In Memory of Pamela Todd (6.9.1968-9.6.2017)

Pam at Ascot

I’ve been dithering about whether it’s appropriate to write an “in memorium” as part of my blog – is it really something that should be kept private or is it something I should share in the spirit of it being intended to honour Pam? I decided that if someone did this for me, or for a relative/friend of mine, I would not be offended, so I’m going ahead. That’s not to say that how I feel or react is necessary indicative of how anyone else or even how the public at large would react, but it’s just me saying that this is my justification.

I said I’ve been travelling a lot since I’ve returned to Zurich and three of those journeys have been to Belfast (having never been there before this point in time). Pam was diagnosed with ovarian cancer maybe 2 years ago; it was already late stage at this point and she was given maybe two years left to live. It’s really hard to get your head round information like this, so heaven knows how it was for Pam. I don’t think I ever really got round to truly believing it.

I knew Pam from my previous work place; she’d moved over to Zurich from the UK and joined the Zurich office some time after I was there (although she had worked in the company for longer than me). I can’t for the life of me remember if I had professional interactions with her before she came to Zurich; I certainly had the impression that I already knew her in a way, but I can’t recall anything concrete. She also returned back to the UK before I myself left the company.

Pam was passionate about her work and about patients (this wasn’t just corporate guff, she really meant it); she worked hard – too hard, maybe (she herself would admit), but that was part of her passion. She expressed annoyance that she’d worked so hard to further herself in her career and then cancer came along and took it all away from her.

What was so frustrating was that Pam was such a selfless person. She would do anything for anyone, she would always put others first; she would consider things fairly. There just seems to be no justice in this (and, of course, there isn’t, but I kept on wanting to scream that she was so caring, so not deserving…).

Pam was part of our group of four (Pam, Hye-Youn, Candice, and myself) and we have many happy memories of having brunch at the Dolder, eating Pam’s legendary Christmas dinners (she was a great cook), living it up at Ascot, enjoying the Orange Cinema. She introduced me to Café Schober, I think it’s called, when we went there for her birthday and it’s now one of my favorite coffee shops in Zurich; she showed me Cake Friends (another coffee shop)…. They were fun times, which I’m so grateful to have had.

I went on holiday to Dubai with her one year; when we had Christmas dinner in the UK with her just after I’d moved to Egypt and we were commenting on how life had changed, she noted that I’d said I just wanted to spend my life on the beach and now I was! At that point she was almost engaged, and it seemed that life was good…

She was an inspiration as she fought cancer. I took to emailing her and calling her "Palm" (it was a mistake on the autocorrect and it stuck because I quite liked it - echoes of Egypt and symbolic of a tree that can withstand the harshest treatment!). I visited her in the hospital and then in the hospice. Despite not being able to eat because the cancer was blocking everything from going down, she remained able to talk and to laugh and to keep optimistic. From her bedside, she managed to organize for us all to have Afternoon Tea at the Culloden (posh hotel in Belfast) for us to have one last happy memory of us all together. Again, in her very last days, she was still thinking primarily of others. She also arranged for us to see her house in N Ireland that she’s so wanted to move back into but never managed to do. It was heartbreaking for her to see the house that she loved and to know that she could never return. Less than a week later, she died. It's really hard to believe.

I never once heard her complain about not being able to keep her food down; instead she apologized to those present (as if that was anything to worry about!), considerate to the end. I’ve just had a cold and I can’t even take that with the bravery that Pam showed through these last two years!

She prepared for her funeral, so the service was very personal, and very Pam. I think it helped me to understand her thinking as she approached death as best she could. Even in her funeral, she was always thinking of others, asking us not to ignore the beauty and the wonder of the world around us, asking us to focus in life on what we really want and not to compromise for second-best, and (without being preachy) for us to place our trust in God. I think she can be very proud of the fact that she lived a good and full life, even though she still had so much more to give.

She leaves behind her parents and her brother who all showed us great kindness whenever we visited. My thoughts go out to them. I am sure that Pam is resting in peace. I hold her as my inspiration as to how to be a better person.

Zurich - Unwell

So sorry, everyone, but no blog again this week - I've come down with a really bad cold (worst one I've had in years - tried to get up twice this morning and fell asleep both times as soon as I'd sat down). Back as usual next week, insha'llah

Zurich - Blog Holiday

"I live near the airport"

I was supposed to be getting less busy, but somehow I just don't have time this week to write my blog. More next week!

In the meantime, here's a photo that Idette took, in case you wonder what I mean when I say that I live near the airport and there's a bit of noise from the planes :-)

Amsterdam - A Family Get-Together

Left to right: (Behind) Pat, Paul; (Front); Fiona, Adrian

Zurich is very central and many places in Europe are just a short hop away. Consequently, when my brother Paul from New Zealand mentioned that he and his wife were stopping off in Amsterdam on their way back from holiday (visiting his wife’s home ground in Scotland), I said I’d fly over to meet up with them. My other brother, living in the UK, was also able to come over. Apparently, it’s four years since we were last all together. How time flies.

The plan was to meet up with Paul and Pat (Paul’s wife) on Saturday evening, and then discuss from there what to do on Sunday.

I’ve been to Amsterdam several times before, but to my surprise, when I got there, I suddenly realized that I’d only ever seen the canal district, so a large part of Amsterdam had been invisible to me. This time I stayed in a boutique hotel (I think “boutique’ is a dressed-up word for “small”) in the museum district, which opened up another side of Amsterdam for me. I got a little lost after getting off the bus from the airport, so it took me a while to find the hotel.

Amsterdam is famous for the sheer number of people going round on bicycles. What I wasn’t so prepared for was the number of people going round on mopeds and discovering that mopeds also use the cycle paths. It’s really quite alarming! The bicycles themselves seemed to come in a large variety too. Pedestrians are definitely secondary to the cyclists.

It then took me more time to find my brother’s hotel which was in the canal district (on Singel). Although I’d left plenty of time to locate it, I ended up arriving only just at the allotted time (5.30pm), since I got a bit lost yet again. However, it turned out that he’d left a message at reception to say that their flight was delayed by 3 hours. I was really hungry at this point, so I left a note for them to say that I’d arranged to meet Adrian (my other brother) in the foyer of their hotel at noon the next day and I’d see them then.

The next morning I decided to visit the van Gogh museum before meeting my brothers at noon. It was an excellent museum and not too crowded (I think I was lucky), although I was highly amused that they felt that they had to explain that in those days people used to have to write using pen and ink and blotting paper. I had to keep an eye on the time.

I got to their hotel punctually and Paul and Pat were already sitting there – they’d arrived only at 10pm the previous evening, so hadn't done anything in the morning. Adrian turned up shortly afterwards. Paul asked for a recommendation for somewhere to eat but was told that “everywhere is good”, which wasn’t much help, even if it is true (which we doubted, since some places were full and some places were empty). We sauntered down the road and I ended up with a nice satay chicken (I hadn’t really intended to eat lunch, but oh well…).

The only thing we had time to do as a group was a canal trip, which surprisingly I don’t think I’d ever done before. During the tour, the guide kept on saying how hard it was to imagine Amsterdam as a bustling place with lots of boats going up and down the canals. I couldn’t understand why this should be so hard to picture, since there were quite a lot of boats on the canals. However, when we went to our restaurant later, there were pictures hanging showing the canals when they used to be used primarily for trade and it was quite astonishing to see how much faster the water flowed in those times and the sheer number of ships; it was a far cry from the gentle pace of today.

After the canal tour, we stopped off for a quick drink and then Adrian already had to leave. Paul had booked the Five Flies for dinner in advance and it turned out by sheer fluke that it was literally just round the corner from his hotel.

The restaurant occupied a beautiful building that was previously five houses; it retained the original leather wallpaper from 500 years ago, the original beams, etc. Plus a few original Rembrandts. The food was also different – I ended up with a deliciously spiced pumpkin soup followed by candied haddock in aniseed sauce. It was a lovely end to a whistlestop stay (and thank you to Paul for treating me!).