In Memory of Pamela Todd (6.9.1968-9.6.2017)

Pam at Ascot

I’ve been dithering about whether it’s appropriate to write an “in memorium” as part of my blog – is it really something that should be kept private or is it something I should share in the spirit of it being intended to honour Pam? I decided that if someone did this for me, or for a relative/friend of mine, I would not be offended, so I’m going ahead. That’s not to say that how I feel or react is necessary indicative of how anyone else or even how the public at large would react, but it’s just me saying that this is my justification.

I said I’ve been travelling a lot since I’ve returned to Zurich and three of those journeys have been to Belfast (having never been there before this point in time). Pam was diagnosed with ovarian cancer maybe 2 years ago; it was already late stage at this point and she was given maybe two years left to live. It’s really hard to get your head round information like this, so heaven knows how it was for Pam. I don’t think I ever really got round to truly believing it.

I knew Pam from my previous work place; she’d moved over to Zurich from the UK and joined the Zurich office some time after I was there (although she had worked in the company for longer than me). I can’t for the life of me remember if I had professional interactions with her before she came to Zurich; I certainly had the impression that I already knew her in a way, but I can’t recall anything concrete. She also returned back to the UK before I myself left the company.

Pam was passionate about her work and about patients (this wasn’t just corporate guff, she really meant it); she worked hard – too hard, maybe (she herself would admit), but that was part of her passion. She expressed annoyance that she’d worked so hard to further herself in her career and then cancer came along and took it all away from her.

What was so frustrating was that Pam was such a selfless person. She would do anything for anyone, she would always put others first; she would consider things fairly. There just seems to be no justice in this (and, of course, there isn’t, but I kept on wanting to scream that she was so caring, so not deserving…).

Pam was part of our group of four (Pam, Hye-Youn, Candice, and myself) and we have many happy memories of having brunch at the Dolder, eating Pam’s legendary Christmas dinners (she was a great cook), living it up at Ascot, enjoying the Orange Cinema. She introduced me to Café Schober, I think it’s called, when we went there for her birthday and it’s now one of my favorite coffee shops in Zurich; she showed me Cake Friends (another coffee shop)…. They were fun times, which I’m so grateful to have had.

I went on holiday to Dubai with her one year; when we had Christmas dinner in the UK with her just after I’d moved to Egypt and we were commenting on how life had changed, she noted that I’d said I just wanted to spend my life on the beach and now I was! At that point she was almost engaged, and it seemed that life was good…

She was an inspiration as she fought cancer. I took to emailing her and calling her "Palm" (it was a mistake on the autocorrect and it stuck because I quite liked it - echoes of Egypt and symbolic of a tree that can withstand the harshest treatment!). I visited her in the hospital and then in the hospice. Despite not being able to eat because the cancer was blocking everything from going down, she remained able to talk and to laugh and to keep optimistic. From her bedside, she managed to organize for us all to have Afternoon Tea at the Culloden (posh hotel in Belfast) for us to have one last happy memory of us all together. Again, in her very last days, she was still thinking primarily of others. She also arranged for us to see her house in N Ireland that she’s so wanted to move back into but never managed to do. It was heartbreaking for her to see the house that she loved and to know that she could never return. Less than a week later, she died. It's really hard to believe.

I never once heard her complain about not being able to keep her food down; instead she apologized to those present (as if that was anything to worry about!), considerate to the end. I’ve just had a cold and I can’t even take that with the bravery that Pam showed through these last two years!

She prepared for her funeral, so the service was very personal, and very Pam. I think it helped me to understand her thinking as she approached death as best she could. Even in her funeral, she was always thinking of others, asking us not to ignore the beauty and the wonder of the world around us, asking us to focus in life on what we really want and not to compromise for second-best, and (without being preachy) for us to place our trust in God. I think she can be very proud of the fact that she lived a good and full life, even though she still had so much more to give.

She leaves behind her parents and her brother who all showed us great kindness whenever we visited. My thoughts go out to them. I am sure that Pam is resting in peace. I hold her as my inspiration as to how to be a better person.