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| Me, With The Second, Very Fetching, Green-Coloured Cast |
Yes folks, that’s five weeks gone. You are probably thinking how quickly that went; I’m just thinking it couldn’t come soon enough.
To be honest, I’ve been pretty lucky with my cast – I haven’t had the itching that many people have and say is unbearable; I’ve had my writing to do, so I haven’t felt bored or even particularly deprived. In addition, I’ve had no problems sleeping (once the rats were gone); my foot didn’t really hinder me there at all.
I think the worst part for me, apart from not being able to do my own shopping and having to rely on other people all the time, and not to be able to do things immediately (such as unpacking my shipped items), is getting up in the morning.
Each time I wake up, I feel thwarted at the idea of having to hobble to my bathroom (which feels like a very long way) on my crutches. I can sense my arms aching before I even get my crutches. And when I get to the bathroom, I have to wash myself by hand. I have to balance on my broken foot to wash my good foot, but of course I can’t put weight on it, so it has to be done very delicately on my heel, and I’m not sure that this is even very good for me. The same holds when I put on items of clothing, although recently I’ve taken to hobbling naked into the lounge and dressing whilst sitting down. Washing is never very satisfactory since it’s never a full body clean.
I can put a plastic bag on my foot and sit in the shower with one foot sticking out, but I only have one plastic bag that is large enough, so if it breaks, I am stuck. Consequently, I save this exercise for days where I need to wash my hair (I can do that only in the shower) and I avoid doing that for as long as possible these days.
I’m saying this, not to complain, but to illustrate why I can’t wait to come out of my plaster. Most of the time, I have to say, I’ve been pretty upbeat and it’s enabled me to push forward with my writing. It is pleasant to sit on my balcony by the fountain, have my neighbours pass by for a chat now and then, and to get on with things at my own quiet pace. I would have been more miserable in a grey and cold climate, so I am thankful to be here. In many ways, it really hasn’t hampered my life so much.
However, somehow, nearing the day where my cast might come off seems to have changed my psychological make-up. I have mixed feelings.
I don’t dare believe that the cast will come off because I will be so gutted if my foot isn’t healed. This fear, I think, is making me feel more resentful towards my cast.
All of a sudden, it feels a lot harder to use the crutches, it all seems like more of an imposition. The cast feels so heavy.
Then there are times where I think that maybe I could have been more careful, maybe I have used my foot too much when washing myself, or hobbling to the lounge from the kitchen with my food, and I’ve put myself back; maybe I should have not even had my heel on the floor, ever. I worry that I’ve wasted the last five weeks doing the wrong things, hindering my progress.
I am starting to imagine pains in my foot, convinced it hasn’t made any progress at all. I find it a bit frustrating that I can’t see my foot, see whether the wound is healing. I can feel sweat dripping off my foot at times and then I worry that my wound has opened and that it is blood, which it isn’t, of course. And, if I think about it, it is probably good that I can’t see my foot, as that would probably just make me worry even more.
I should get a grip, really, as I’ve managed OK for 5 weeks and it wouldn’t be the end of the world (just a huge inconvenience) if it has to be 5 more weeks; I’ve really passed the time quite pleasantly.
I also have a slight dependency fear at the thought of my cast coming off. What if it comes off too soon, I turn in my sleep and it somehow tweaks the bone out of place? How will I know how far I can walk, how much to push myself? Will my bone be safe when it’s not in this nice, protective cocoon? Maybe I should wear walking shoes to protect it a bit, maybe even keep the shoe on in bed for a while? Will my bone really be able to continue to heal without the cast?
I’ve been tempted to put some pressure on my foot to test it out a bit before I go to the hospital, but each time the fear of undoing everything just before I go is too much, so I don’t. Some days, I am convinced it is just a normal foot in the plaster and it’s just a matter of the plaster coming off. Other days, I feel it hurting – or think I do – and I wonder if I have made any progress at all since I got this “new” bandage put on.
At first, I fantasied about being able to walk straight away once the cast comes off (some people claim to be able to do this), but I’ve downgraded my expectation now to it probably hurting a bit at first and to needing my crutches for maybe the first week or so. It will be nice to have a proper shower! I’ve heard that the leg will look pale, hairy, and wasted, with sensitive skin for the first three days, and possibly also smelly due to it not being washed for all that time (one person claimed it took three days to get rid of the smell!).
Anyway, I thought I would report all this because I find it quite interesting. I was expecting my spirits to be raised in the run-up to the D-day, and to be in pleasant anticipation, but actually, it’s pretty much the opposite, to my surprise. It will be easier once I know either way (cast on, or cast off).
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