El Andalous - Meanwhile...

Old Town, Sahl Hasheesh, from the Water

I mentioned briefly that, during this time, my bum was hurting a bit as I sat. Actually, I realised fairly quickly that I had a pea-sized lump and it was this that was making me uncomfortable. At one point, I even had to fetch a cushion so that I could sit OK, although it wasn’t doing much for my posture.

After searching the internet, I decided to diagnose myself with piles. This on top of everything else! I wasn’t experiencing bleeding, it was just discomfort when sitting, but I was in the right age range. I remember Deborah Delanoy telling me that when you turn 50, all of a sudden your health just goes completely to pot. I have to say, my experience to date seems to bear this out.

One cause of piles was too much sitting, which would fit, but I couldn’t really do much about that as it was a consequence of my broken foot. Since the home remedies for piles seemed fairly innocuous, I felt that, even if I had diagnosed myself wrongly (quite possible), it couldn’t do any harm to follow them. Although piles can disappear of their own accord within a fortnight, I was keen to do the home remedies as it would be just my luck to end up being one of the few that need surgery.

On discovering the home remedies, I went full force with my therapeutic regimen. I doused the lump with white vinegar and put ice on it several times a day. I thought it did help a bit. The next day, I decided to try the Sitz bath – basically you sit in a tub of warm water to relax the area. This is where it all went horribly wrong.

I got a tub, filled it to about a quarter to a third with water at just the right temperature. I was then going to take it into the bathroom, set it on top of the toilet, and sit there for a while. First mistake. I picked up the bowl only to realise that it was too heavy for me to be able to carry with one hand when I was on crutches. From here on, I didn’t really think things through properly.

What I thought was that I could set it on the floor in the kitchen. The kitchen cabinets would hide me from sight to anyone looking in from outside and then I wouldn’t have to carry the bowl. I put it down, undressed as appropriate, and plonked myself down into the bowl, behind the kitchen cabinets. Unfortunately, I’d underestimated my bum mass, so as soon as I sat down, water poured out, all over the kitchen floor. I looked in horror as water went everywhere, the marble floor having no absorbency.

I then realised that my cast was now sitting on water, so I had to lift my leg up. My skirt was sitting in water. The floor looked slippery and I suddenly wondered if I could even stand up from the position I’d got myself into. I had visions of security having to come in to rescue me and finding me sitting there half-naked on the kitchen floor with my bum in a bowl of water!

The sensation of sitting there with my bum in warm water was actually extremely pleasant (you should try it one day) and I contemplated just sitting there for a while and ignoring everything else. However, the longer I sat, the more I began to fret about what I would do if someone knocked at my door. Maybe security would come to check the glue traps for the rats? Maybe Jacquie would come by? Maybe there would be a delivery? I not only needed to get up, I needed to dress myself, and then I would have to explain all the water everywhere whilst wearing a drenched skirt. I was in a bit of a pickle.

I wondered what had possessed me to try this, given that really my ailment wasn’t so bad. I didn’t really need to go to these extremes. What was I thinking? Somewhere, I had lost the plot. I have to wonder about myself sometimes.

The first job was to soak up some of the water. Fortunately, I was sitting just by the drawer holding all the tea towels, so out they all came and I wiped all around me until the flood became a few wet patches instead of a veritable flood.

The next thing was to stand up, which required me to think through my tactics for a while, since the last thing I wanted to do was to slip and break my leg or put my healing process back to the beginning again. But I knew that somehow I had to solve the problem, because there was no way I was going to let myself be rescued by security. I would never live it down. My foot is a big enough source of conversation as it is, let alone having everyone know that security had to heave me out of a Sitz bath. 

Fortunately, I did manage to stand up in the end and it wasn't as difficult as I feared. There wasn't much I could do about my sodden skirt, but I guessed it would dry out as I sat outside in the sun. It was the least of my worries.

I won’t be trying a Sitz bath again in a hurry, at least, not while I have a broken foot.

I still have the lump at the moment, but I think it is subsiding now, and I’m just sticking to the occasional dab with vinegar. It’s a lot safer!